Ann's Guide Life

I have planned to buy a sailboat and sail away my broken heart. No, I haven’t. But right now it sound to me like a good idea. If it weren’t for my fantastical job, yes I do mean in the sense fantastical, I couldn’t cope with all the feelings in my body. How can heart break actually hurt, and in my whole body?

A few days ago I thought things were going good, I was starting to feel strong and work was “happening”. It’s a good distraction working crazy hours, not to forget having nice perks. Every month we have monthly rewards, this is really fun, a half day doing nice things together and then rewarding our best colleges of the month. It’s a day for smiles and laughter. This time we went out with a Pirate Ship and enjoyed the sea, good food and excellent views. I sat at the best table with some of the most awesome girls I’ve ever met. And yes they are as crazy as me, think you have to have a crazy gene to stay in this job longer than one season.

 

So why the broken heart? Your thinking get over it, you dumped the guy so what’s up with all the complaining. Believe me, I’m thinking the same. But what goes on in my brain is not how the rest of my body reacts… I have been shit hard with my decision not to go back to him since we couldn’t cope with our problems. But I do think somewhere deep inside, hidden, I wished and hoped he would change and we would get married and have bambinos and live happily ever after. He actually asked me the other day if I still would say yes if he asked me to marry him. I was surprised, panicked and thought yes no yes no yes no, I don’t know, how can he ask me that? And instead I said, “It depends on how nice ring you buy”. A few days later I said that I didn’t want to marry him, ever. Mostly because it was the right thing to say. Wasn’t it?

 

In hindsight, I don’t know what was right. Should I have been so hard with him or not? It’s not like you can keep your ex after you break up with him, or can you? Well anyhow, he invited me to the bar, he was gonna make me a diabolo mohito, a drink we “found” on our latest vacation, and he had just found out how to do it. So I got dressed up, yes stupid me got all dolled up for him, went out with my colleges and went to the bar. As I was speaking to his college 4m from him I saw how he started to make out with a girl… and my world shattered. I didn’t know what to do at all. Walked towards them, and he didn’t stop kissing her. I wished for him to stop, that it wasn’t true. And then I exploded, grief, anger, hate came out and then just huge sadness… After he had sex with her and now I’m here. And I can’t believe it happened, I can’t justify my sadness and I can’t breathe.